Surely, no one will argue that communicating with people is a difficult task. Without realizing it, we feel how some people subtly manipulate us, while, from the outside, communication does not go beyond the bounds of decency.

A passive-aggressive interlocutor is a person who monotonously "drinks" your strength, feeds on your energy. In turn, it is very difficult to understand this, because such people are seemingly polite, do not violate personal boundaries, but this is only at first glance. Upon closer examination, it becomes clear that a person is simply a "vampire".
Learning to detect signs of passive aggression is necessary for every person, and estet-portal.com will help you with this.

Features of passive aggression: how to identify

passive aggressor- this is a person whose main feature of behavior is that under any circumstances he tries to extinguish anger. Unable and unwilling to express their negative emotions, such a person accumulates resentment and anger. Over time, there are so many of them that the aggressor has to splash out his emotions on other people, while carefully disguising the true motives.

You will never hear explicit criticism or dissatisfaction from a passive aggressor, however, relations with him, sooner or later, will turn into a real nightmare. How to recognize this type of personality, and learn how to resist it, you can learn from the information provided in this article.

Sabotage is the essence of the passive aggressor

The standard case is that the management gives the task to the subordinate, but he is in no hurry to complete it, due to the fact that this work is not to his liking. A person will pull to the last, wriggle, avoid solving the task, in the hope that everything will “dissolve” by itself, that the task will be transferred to another employee.

To do this, a passive aggressor pretends that he does not have time, does not cope, in general, that he does not succeed, although in reality this is not so - he just does not want to do any work through force. In any case, the work process will be sabotaged and the aggressor will get his way.

Anger is the hidden emotion of the passive aggressor.

Often, passive aggression strikes people from families where a hostile atmosphere constantly reigns. Eternally swearing parents, who periodically rush at each other with their fists, cause a protest in the child, which in adulthood translates into a desire to avoid open conflicts in every possible way.

But, as we understand, aggression does not go anywhere, it accumulates and grows, periodically transforming and pouring out on others in the form of constant discontent and critical assessments. Carefully hiding his real feelings, a passive aggressor in any situation will assure you that everything is fine, that everything suits him. But, it is enough just to feel the intonation of the voice to understand that all this is a bluff and the person is dissatisfied.

The people discussed in this article avoid direct confrontation and will never say directly what causes their displeasure. At the same time, they will try to impose on you the idea that you are inadequate, cruel and soulless. It may sound something like this: “Of course, do as you know, why do you need to think about how I feel about it. Who cares about my condition?

Provocation is the passive aggressor's favorite pastime

Passive aggression is a condition in which the aggressor always tries to keep a "face". He will never show his obvious anger, he will restrain his feelings and emotions to the end.

Silence is their favorite game. Shifting responsibility for the conflict on the shoulders of another person, the aggressor, always understands what he is “doing”. His goal is to enrage you, thereby making himself white and fluffy. As a result, you will hear the banal phrases “I told you that you don’t care” - this is a pure provocation that you should not succumb to. You will scream furiously, and the passive aggressor will nod his head and say that he knew from the very beginning what kind of person you are.

Denunciation and passive aggressor: words are synonyms

The passive aggressor is filled with a whole heap of unexpressed negative emotions. It can be anger, envy, hatred and other feelings that have no way out. As a result, a person cannot stand it, and it becomes extremely necessary for him to “drain” all his negativity, to get rid of the accumulated burden.

For this, tricks such as denunciations and gossip are used. You will never hear in the "eyes" that you are wrong or offended by you, you will learn about this from mutual friends or management. You ask, what is the point in all these actions? The answer is simple - a passive aggressor wants to be attractive and kind in the eyes of others, and for this he will do everything possible and impossible.

If you manage to recognize the aggressor among your colleagues in time, stay away from him, otherwise he may not only choose you as a victim, his covert actions can even seriously harm your career.

Passive aggression is the exact antonym of responsibility

In any life circumstances, a passive aggressor avoids responsibility, responsibility for his choice, for his actions. He will blame his parents for not giving him anything, his loved one for depriving him of opportunities. You, and only you, will be to blame for all his domestic mistakes and work failures.

For each passive aggressor saves his version of reality, according to which he is a good and unhappy person, and all the rest are tyrants. Infantile behavior worsens with age, a person begins to believe in his decency and "exclusivity". Being next to a passive aggressor, and proving the opposite to him, you are simply wasting time, because he does not intend to give up his personal assessment, under any circumstances.

How to deal with a passive aggressor

Psychologists say that most people who are prone to passive aggression are not even aware of their own “ailment”. The trauma received in childhood leads to the fact that the child is trying with all his might to protect himself in adulthood, but this does not mean that he does not need to resist.

To stop the passive aggressor, you need to take the following steps:

Fight tactics. If a person regularly ignores your request not to be late, warn that next time you will leave if he is late for more than 10 minutes, while speaking respectfully, without insults.

Dialog. Since the passive aggressor himself does not know what he is doing, it is worth speaking with him in his own language - peacefully, but convincingly. Explain to the person that you are tormented and strained by his avoidance of the conflict and the hushing up of the problem.

Logical chain. If the passive aggressor is your spouse, then over time you will learn to notice when a person is not in a good mood. You should not arrange a boycott in response, on the contrary, try to understand why your loved one does this, maybe you went too far at some point.

If it so happened in your life that you cannot avoid communicating with a passive-aggressive person, then you should understand one golden rule - you are not to blame for anything. There is no need to look for the reason in yourself, for such a person, his demeanor is the norm, and he will always find the guilty, not you, but someone else.

What you need to know to keep yourself safe

Passive aggression is something that needs to be resisted. Clearly build your boundaries and go to the end if you are sure that you are right. The passive aggressor will stop at nothing, and will go to the end to express his secret desires. If you feel that you are wrong in something, accept it and correct it, but nothing more - you should not take responsibility for what you did not do.

No need to make reciprocal attacks, this will only provoke a greater intensity of emotions, moreover, only on your part. The passive aggressor will continue to pretend to be an unfortunate "sheep", complaining to everyone about how he is not understood and offended.

In especially severe cases, when a passive aggressor puts pressure on you, you should not endure it, seek help from a psychologist. A specialist will help you see the situation from the outside and get out of it with the slightest loss to your mental health.

In order not to lose faith in your own strengths, remember that everything a passive aggressor says is not about you, it's just that he is so comfortable and needs it. Take care of yourself and your personal space by preventing toxic people from entering your territory. Remember that in this situation, your mental state is a healthy assessment of what is happening and self-control.
Read more interesting things about emotional and psychological health at estet-portal.com.

According to the American psychologist Harriet Lerner, aggression is a way of expressing anger. Even the meekest person cannot claim to be free from it, because it is an evolutionary survival mechanism. In reasonable doses, aggression is necessary to storm traffic jams, "burning" projects and intractable partners. But there are forms of it that are difficult to identify, and therefore not easy to overcome. Of these, passive aggression is the most sophisticated and destructive. Often, spouses use passive-aggressive behavior to avoid short-term conflict. But in the long run, its consequences can be more damaging to a marriage than outright aggression.

The word "passive" in Latin means "suffering". “Passive aggression really hits its source no less than the one it is directed at,” says Galina Turetskaya, a PhD in Psychology and a practicing relationship coach. “It becomes the ground for many fears: fear of dependence on relationships, fear of being rejected, intimophobia (fear of emotional intimacy), fear of facing one’s own and other people’s emotions.” This gives rise to a defensive reaction: emotional distancing, avoidance of intimacy in relationships. When a child is scared, he cries, screams, runs away, hides. An adult does almost the same thing, only puts it in “decent” forms: avoids communication, forgets, does not participate in relationships under plausible pretexts, hangs up a sign “I’ve gone into myself, I won’t be back soon.” And if in social situations (at work, in the company of friends) you can still turn a blind eye to this, then in personal relationships such behavior hurts both - both the partner who does not understand anything, and the aggressor himself. This is similar to the uprising of robots: in addition to the will, an autopilot turns on in the human mind, which knows only one program - to avoid, but in such a way as not to look guilty.

DESIRE PLUS FEAR

“You can’t rely on my husband: he promises to do something, and then puts it off for a long time, invents reasons, lets everything take its course. It’s easier to pick up the suit from the dry cleaners, although he promised to do it on the way.

And for me - an extra hour with an uncomfortable cover in public transport. And so in everything! - shares Larisa (32). - When there are too many such trifles, I explode, I scream. And in vain, because he didn’t seem to have done anything like that - I myself didn’t wait for his help. Becomes ashamed of the hysteria. But I want to make a fuss, because time goes by, but nothing changes.”

First of all, it is important to understand: anger, powerlessness, guilt are the most common reactions of women in relationships with a passive aggressor. Remember that you are human too and have the right to your emotions. By suppressing anger, you run the risk of becoming the same passive aggressor as he is. “Do not lead to an explosion: when faced with something that does not suit you, immediately express your reaction honestly and openly - then you can do it calmly. Formulate a problem and state it. And then offer solutions that are convenient for you, ”advises Galina Turetskaya.

The passive aggressor also wants intimacy, but the fear of addiction is stronger than the need for love. Desire plus fear is the formula for inaction. “Neither retaliatory ignoring (scattering in different corners), nor irritation, nor the manifestation of increased care will lead to a good result,” says the psychologist. - It is important to remain calm and positive, showing with your appearance: I am ready for dialogue, but you will have to take a step. After all, an active position is exactly what the partner is so afraid of. Is the suit dry-cleaned? Let there and wait in the wings. Try to make an effort on yourself and not take responsibility shifted to you, do not fulfill his promises for your partner. Try to be calm about his excuses, do not try to catch him in a lie - he actually could stay at work. But even if he sat there to the bitter end, just not to go to the cinema, as you agreed, all the same excuses are the best possible for him at the moment. Over time, as the partner gains experience of being actively involved in the relationship, they will be able to take on more responsibility.

MASTERNESS TEST

Psychoanalyst and specialist in genetic psychology Dmitry Kalinsky notes that at least 70% of men show passive aggression. But women also suffer from this “disease”. After all, society prescribes us to be soft and non-conflict. Under the pressure of the stereotype of femininity or the fear of losing relationships, aggression takes on hidden forms.
“We have been meeting with Ivan for several months, and I would very much like this relationship to develop into a marriage,” admits Marina (27). But sometimes I feel that he does not understand me. Recently, knowing that I am working from home, I arrived unannounced with flowers and sweets. I couldn't explain that I couldn't make time for him, that he showed up at the wrong time and was distracting me. I took the bouquet across the threshold and excused myself with urgent work. For some reason he was offended." If a man behaved incorrectly, it would be possible to declare open war against him. But he shows care, attention, demonstrates a desire to be around - there is nothing to complain about! Then the tools of hidden aggression come into play, including tests for real men.
How often at the beginning of a relationship do you arrange “lice checks” for your partner, as if specifically demonstrating your worst sides - capriciousness, irritability, silent games, nit-picking with or without. All these are also forms of passive aggression, but of a somewhat different kind. The subconscious signal of this behavior is: "Love me like this - and then I will believe that you love me for real." But you cannot control the line beyond which a slight female bitchiness develops into aggression. It's good if your hero is experienced and patient enough to get through the trial period. And if not, you will soon turn into two disappointed people who never understood who was to blame and what it was. The best thing in such a situation is to turn to a psychologist to understand the reasons and eliminate distrust in a man.

DO YOU TRUST ME?

“Once I had a serious conflict at work,” recalls Evgenia (29). - The boyfriend called and asked how I felt, began to comfort, advised something. The more he talked, the more angry I became. Later I sent him an SMS that I feel bad, I will leave for some time to my parents, when I return, I will call you back. I was waiting for my beloved to rush after me, regret, hug me. But he didn't. A few days later I dialed his number and heard a distant “hello”. The former warmth disappeared somewhere, we moved away from each other.

The main effect of passive aggression is a lack of trust in a partner. Every time he wants to show his feelings, you slip away, dodge. Favorite "catches the air with his hands." And this is what causes the most irritation. If it were possible to have a heart-to-heart talk with a passive aggressor, it would become clear: he himself is not happy with such a development of relations. Why is he doing this? Gestalt therapist Natalya Kundryukova explains: “To avoid even more suffering. In many cases, this pattern (an unconsciously repetitive pattern of behavior) is formed during childhood. As a rule, in the first days and months of life, for some reason, the child failed to form an emotional connection with a significant adult. For example, the mother could not take him in her arms immediately after birth, could not breastfeed, or went to work early.” The baby did not have enough emotional and bodily contact, the basic need was not satisfied. That is why in adulthood, when trying to form close relationships, such a person unconsciously repeats his traumatic experience. Along with the desire to get closer, to receive attention and support, he experiences the fear of rejection and shame for experiencing these desires. Instead of taking a step forward, asking for help and getting it, he begins to evade.

According to Natalia Kundryukova, it is necessary to realize and live the rejection received in early childhood. Unfortunately, it is impossible to do this on your own, without the help of a therapist. It is important for a person suffering from passive aggression to understand that this way of behavior destroys both relationships with dear people and his own body. Probably the best way out is to accumulate resources (determination, hope and money) and try to work with a psychologist in the format of individual consultations. Inner pain and distrust can be experienced. Or you will have to choose a safe distance in the relationship and abandon the thought of intimacy.

How to recognize a passive aggressor

Putting things off until it's too late.

Does not fulfill promises, “forgets” about agreements, avoids emotional intimacy.

Denies, turns everything upside down, making the partner guilty.

Unclearly expresses his position, confuses traces.

Does not show attention: does not call, does not write SMS.

Sends conflicting signals: for example, talks about love, but acts in such a way that you suspect the opposite.

Never apologizes.

4 Strategies for Effectively Dealing with a Passive Aggressor by Signe Whitson, author of Evil Smile:

psychology of passive-aggressive behavior in the family and at work”:

1 Recognize signals of passive-aggressive behavior in advance: procrastination, ignoring, silence, avoiding discussion of the problem, gossip.

2 Do not give in to provocations. The subconscious goal of the passive aggressor is to piss you off. If you feel like you are starting to boil, try calmly expressing the negative: “I won’t yell, because it will only make the situation worse.”

3 Point out to the passive aggressor the anger he feels - such people ignore this particular emotion. Your opinion must be supported by a concrete fact: "I think you are angry with me now because I asked you to do something."

TEXT: Galina Turova

Passive aggression is the behavior of a person in which he expresses his negative emotions in a socially acceptable form, in other words, suppression of anger occurs. A person can refuse to perform any action, he is dominated by pessimism and absolute inaction. In a moderate manifestation, such a phenomenon is normally tolerated by both the person himself and his environment.

But the ICD-10 also noted that there is a passive-aggressive personality disorder. That is, the constant suppression of anger and aggression as a result can lead to a pathological condition. Negative emotions must find a way out so that a person can be freed from psychological dirt.

Interestingly, this personality trait manifests differently in men and women. Hidden aggression in men is manifested by the following behavior:

In women, passive aggression is the spread of rumors, gossip, they do not seek to take responsibility for their own behavior. The fair sex with a passive-aggressive personality type wants to live the way they want it, do not tolerate various restrictions and submission. In the case of inactivity, they justify it with forgetfulness.

People with this type of aggression tend to:

• be afraid of responsibility;
• experience fear of addiction;
• try to find the culprit of the current problematic situation in order to blame him for his failures;
• quarrel with people around you in order not to let them near you;
• switch from a hostile attitude to repentance in their actions and thoughts;
• look gloomy;
• do not say "no" even in critical situations;
• avoid eye contact with the interlocutor;
• ignore appeals to them, the fulfillment of their own promises;
• discontent, sarcasm, contempt, irony and grumbling.

Some psychologists do not agree with the view that there is a special type of people with this behavior. They note that many people with these qualities grew up in conditions of disharmonic upbringing, irrational attitudes given to them in childhood by parents or other adults.

Let us consider in more detail what features of education lead to the development of passive aggression.

Causes of latent hostility

There are different periods of formation of such passive hostility, but in any case, passive-aggressive or assertive behavior is formed in the family, the place where the child learns to control his emotions. We will talk about assertiveness later, consider the factors that influence the formation of passive aggression in a person.

When does this behavior become pathological?

With pronounced manifestations of the symptoms of this behavior, it is considered a pathology and has a certain diagnosis. To make a diagnosis of passive-aggressive personality disorder, it is necessary to analyze the patient's behavior, if 5 criteria are similar to those listed below, then the person suffers from this mental disorder.

In this disorder, a person is characterized by other forms of dependence or manifestations of somatic disorders. Often such people are addicted to alcohol. Another comorbid psychiatric disorder is depression. In this case, antidepressants are used in addition to psychotherapy.

For the diagnosis of mental pathology, the emotional severity of the symptoms of the disorder is extremely important. In its manifestations, it is very similar to hysterical and borderline disorders. But passive-aggressive disorder is not as emotionally expressed as the mentioned pathologies.

Living with passive-aggressive people

Living with such people is quite difficult, since at any moment they can let you down, take a person out of inner balance, shift responsibility at the most inopportune moment.

Conflicts inevitably arise in a married couple, since not everyone can withstand prolonged neglect, indifference and the burden of double responsibility for themselves and a passive-aggressive spouse. In married life, it is important for partners to agree and understand each other. If they are determined to build relationships, they will work on their character traits. But in case of loss of initial feelings, the spouses urgently need to contact a specialist so as not to bring each other to neurosis, irritation and nervous exhaustion. In the process of psycho-correction, a passive-aggressive person learns to adequately evaluate himself, his behavior, control his actions and adequately perceive the people around him.

Correction of passive-aggressive behavior

The fight against passive-aggressive personality disorder begins with psychotherapy. In some cases, the use of antidepressants is indicated, they are especially relevant in case of too pronounced melancholic behavior of the individual, a suicidal threat. It should be noted that by threatening suicide, a person can also manipulate relatives or a psychotherapist. Such a reaction should be interpreted as an expression of anger, and not depression about the loss of love from relatives. Therefore, the psychotherapist should direct the person to a more adequate expression of angry reactions.

Behavior with hidden aggression is devoid of assertiveness. Passivity in the expression of aggression (if any) appears due to the person's acceptance of the role of a victim (and everyone owes him, as a weak one) or a manipulator (and everyone owes him, as a strong one). The psychotherapist has an important task to formulate a new setting in behavior - assertiveness - the ability of a person to make decisions independently, be able to say "no", not depend on external conditions, assessments and influences, be responsible for decisions and behavior. In the new role of an assertive person, the principles of passive-aggressive behavior are replaced by adequate communication with the message: “I don’t owe anything to another, and the other person doesn’t owe me anything, we are partners to each other.”

Treating passive-aggressive disorders is difficult because the patient is not motivated to do so. It is very difficult to establish the right relationship between the therapist and the patient to achieve a therapeutic effect. If the doctor yields to covert manipulators, the treatment will fail. If the patient's demands are denied, psychotherapeutic contact may be lost. To work effectively with such patients, a highly qualified specialist is required.

Of all the psychological approaches, the cognitive-behavioral one is the most effective. In the process of therapy with the techniques of this approach, the patient realizes what the social consequences of his passive-aggressive behavior can be.

Group and individual work is carried out to train coping (coping behavior), social skills are developed. If the client has taken a defensive, oppositional stance, this can also be used by the therapist. For the desired result of therapy, it is necessary to give instructions opposite to what he wants to achieve.

Tips for communicating with such people:

• in working relationships, it is necessary to clearly monitor the actions of a passive-aggressive colleague;
• do not rely on such people in responsible tasks;
• no need to get involved in their manipulation games;
• in the family, sometimes it is necessary to involve a qualified specialist with severe symptoms;
• avoid joint performance of a responsible task;
• it is necessary to firmly convey a different, alternative point of view;
• to remain calm during confrontation so that a person sees that it is not so easy to piss off others.

Examining your tendencies

Every person by nature or predominantly passive or predominantly aggressive. This predisposition is similar to a computer characteristic called "default", i.e., programmed to automatically select a certain option until it is changed by a conscious decision. Let us consider in more detail the manifestations of this phenomenon.

Behaviors

Both passive and aggressive types of behavior have distinctive features. In order to gain self-confidence, one must understand the differences between them.

Passive type of behavior

A person predisposed to a passive type of behavior tends to suppress his desires, not to use freedom of choice. Usually he obeys the will of others and does not defend his own interests.

For the most part, passive people try to avoid unpleasant situations, but when faced with aggressive behavior, they can get out of balance. In response to the manifestation of aggression, behavior due to fear of exacerbating the position of a passive person, as a rule, becomes even more passive.

It can be difficult to communicate with such a person, because it is not clear to others what he really wants. For example, to the question “What will you drink, tea or coffee?” he usually replies, "I don't care." People who are prone to passive behavior believe that inertia is the best fit for their desire to avoid solving problems and avoiding disputes. Everything that is not a task of paramount importance seems to them too insignificant and, in their opinion, is not worth the effort.

Aggressive type of behavior

A person predisposed to an aggressive type of behavior is irritable, without hesitation enters into a conflict if something goes against his plans. Aggressive behavior fuels his energy and assertiveness, but is usually negatively perceived by others. He can get his way, but at too high a price, or achieve nothing, because others, feeling that they are being treated down, usually refuse to cooperate with him.

The difficulty of communicating with a person of an aggressive type can be explained by the fact that others do not always understand that his aggression is not directed against them personally, but to achieve a goal. The dissatisfaction of the "aggressor" is too noticeable, because his behavior is distinguished by intemperance. It seems to him that absolutely everything, even the most insignificant situations, requires his energetic intervention.

One way to become more self-confident is to change the attitudes of behavior inherent in nature. You will say that the acquired behavior will look unnatural in the eyes of others, because it is not characteristic of your nature. But in any case, it will remain within the limits of the temperament given to you by nature - passive or aggressive.

Behavior Adjustment

A predisposition to a particular type of behavior can be corrected by strengthening or weakening certain character traits. As a result of such a correction, assertiveness arises - firm, self-confidence with self-esteem.

To do this, you need quite a bit - to improve your involuntary reactions and inclinations. The newly acquired behavior will operate as follows.

Passivity turning into assertiveness

People who are prone to passive behavior will find that there is no need to go against their nature. All they need is to be stronger, stop worrying about what others think, and feel free to talk about their wants and needs.

A small adjustment in passive behavior will allow you to act actively - solve problems, not avoid them. Confidence will give you courage, and you will be able to express thoughts that you would never have dared to express before, and even get what you have always dreamed of.

Aggressiveness turning into assertiveness

A person who is more aggressive than passive will have to soften his natural assertiveness. Correcting aggressive behavior will allow you to find that it makes it easier to achieve your goal, because your new behavior has become less annoying to others. At the same time, you should not completely abandon active actions. Thus, assertive behavior will subdue your impulsiveness without causing displeasure and anger in others.

The general criterion in both cases can be considered the requirements of others. Passive people should think less about the desires of others and pay more attention to their own desires. Those who are prone to an aggressive type of behavior should think less about themselves and reckon with the demands of others.

Benefits of being assertive

Strong self-confidence gives the key to the ability to improve in any area of ​​life and is especially pronounced in difficult situations, in dealing with smart and knowledgeable people. Softening (if you are aggressive) or strengthening (if you are passive) behavior will help you without any problems:

v induce people to take action or force them to change their behavior without showing resentment or hostility on their part;

v refuse something without offending others;

v to express one's own (perhaps unpopular) opinion in a way that is perceived favorably, even if others hold diametrically opposed views.

It can be added that confidence will help you develop and improve your effective manner of communicating with others. You will find that any situation works for you if:

v give and receive compliments; they will give confidence to you and others;

v to encourage people to communicate, then your pleasure from this process will increase much;

v Express your approval of the ideas and actions of others rather than keeping your feelings to yourself. Thanks to this, you will be able to establish feedback with the interlocutor;

v admit your shortcomings. This is true for all self-confident people.

Assertiveness creates equality in relations between people, the necessary flexibility in behavior to overcome difficulties, leads to success.

Drawing conclusions

To develop assertive behavior, it is necessary first of all to slightly change the natural reactions to certain circumstances. Regardless of whether you are passive or aggressive by nature, assertiveness will balance the extremes of character, help you find a middle ground between them. It will “pacify” aggression and “whip up” inertia.

Assertiveness is not a goal, but a means to achieve it. This is the most effective way to declare your intentions and bring communication to a whole new level.

Ask yourself

Analyze your usual demeanor and answer the following questions.

If you are passive by nature:

^ Are you trying to avoid a situation that threatens to become unpleasant?

^ Would you like to speak your mind more confidently?

If you are aggressive by nature:

^ Do you tend to do everything in your own way without taking into account the interests of others?

^ Do you want to learn how to influence people without hurting their feelings?

For both types of behavior:

^ Do you want to learn how to refuse people their requests without feeling the need to find excuses?

^ Do you strive to ensure that your relationships with people give more returns?

If you answered yes to some questions, you need to purposefully work on your character.

Everything will work out if...

Understand that in order to become a confident person, you do not have to go against your nature;

Make a firm decision and adjust your natural behavior;

Realize that strong self-confidence (assertiveness) will help you find the right solution in a difficult situation;

Be aware that by becoming more confident, you will enjoy life more;

To wish to develop in oneself such skills and such a view of things that are necessary for a self-confident person.

Unexpressed inner anger, sabotage of deadlines at work, suppression of feelings - passive aggression can manifest itself in different ways. People with a tendency to hold a grudge can cause a lot of trouble to others and to themselves. It is not always easy to understand such a person, but it is necessary to build relationships. It is useful to know its features in order to learn how to interact with such personalities in the least conflicting way.

What is passive aggression

Any person feels a wide range of emotions - from joy to anger, and this is normal. But some, due to their upbringing or personal beliefs, are used to hiding their inner world from others, suppressing the expression of feelings. In this case, negative emotions - anger, rage - will accumulate and look for another way to express themselves. One of these methods is called "passive aggression" in psychology.

Passive-aggressive - a behavior that is characterized by the suppression of anger. Such a person will not openly resist what he does not like, but will express emotions through refusal, sabotage of some action in a complex, veiled form.

It is often determined that the passive aggressor was brought up in conditions where the expression of emotions was considered a negative trait, and the suppression of them was considered a positive one. A person further in life tries not to enter into a confrontation about his beliefs, does not defend the position that he considers correct. He does not recognize the feelings and emotions that he experiences, he will protest silently.

The main signs of passive-aggressive behavior:

• suppression of anger;
• projecting oneself as a victim (of people or circumstances), shifting responsibility onto others;
• silence - a person does not admit his feelings openly, even if he is hurt to the core;
• hidden sabotage - for example, he does not refuse to go to the cinema, but simply forgets about it;
• manipulating people through guilt.

At work, good relations do not always develop with passive aggressors - they will never admit that it is difficult for them to complete the project and they need advice from colleagues. They will press on feelings of pity and guilt until someone gives up and offers a helping hand. For men at work, this is often manifested by procrastination - constant postponing of things for later, forgetfulness, which lead to frequent quarrels with the employer. A passive aggressor rarely admits his mistake, finding anyone else to blame - a colleague, an acquaintance or unfamiliar person, and even the boss himself.

In women, this manner is manifested by fear of control. She does not tolerate the restriction of her will, submission to her husband. He does not admit his feelings, but only gives hints that he has a negative attitude towards his decisions. Fearing restrictions, he tries to manipulate his spouse, appealing to a sense of pity. This is especially noticeable in women with a melancholic type of character. Similar behavior is manifested in passive aggression in children - they are prone to disobedience, do not keep their promises, justifying this with forgetfulness or minor failures.

How to build relationships

You need to understand that aggression is just a demeanor, it does not require treatment, but only understanding. A person does not experience personal hostility to anyone from the family or his environment, he only tries to express his indignation about those issues that bother him, cause him negative emotions. The biggest difficulty in dealing with a passive-aggressive personality is that people around them take everything personally, consider such behavior a personal insult.

Knowing the features of the manifestation of passive aggression, you can find ways to get rid of disagreements:

1. 1. Not taking on a dominant role in relationships. The aggressor does not like control, he will resist it, and therefore you should not impose opinions and actions, use the phrases "you must", "be sure to do it", "obey me". You need to give several options, explain your position on each of them, offer to choose the most acceptable one.
2. 2. Do not force or impose. The manner of behavior will not allow a person to abandon the imposed opinion, but he will pretty much ruin the life of anyone who does. If his most significant fears - the fear of control - come true, one cannot hope for mutual understanding and any return in the relationship.
3. 3. Do not give tasks with high responsibility. A person who tends to passively express anger tries to deal with unnecessary commitments. In the event of a difficult situation, where the outcome of important events will depend on him, he tends to procrastinate and sabotage, refusing to complete the task.